Today my former sister-in-law was buried, at age 35. Those words I just used to describe my relationship to her don’t tell the whole story–she was like a sister, and treated me and my family so well after the complicated and unpleasant divorce between her and my older brother.

It’s been a long time since someone that close to me crossed over into eternity–I had forgotten the pain, and the shock. And this was a shock. A healthy woman succumbs to a blood clot after a day at the water park with her son. It was crazy; it just didn’t make sense.

People day every day–some old and sick, and some young and healthy. Now I’m a firm believer in what the Bible says, and trust in God as a good God, not a good who “takes” people away from their families and lives while in their prime. At the same time, the utter fragility and temporary nature of life was made so very clear. Our lives are like vapors–although we make big plans and have dreams that line the path to our destinies, our mortality is yet real.

There is little time for foolishness. We must make the most of the moments of our lives. First, why did God create us? Why are we here? The phenomenal success of The Purpose Driven Life book, study helps, and now the magazine have helped people answer that question. The next question: what relationships must I preserve? Which mean the most? I am so aware of the idiocy of taking for granted  those I love. Why do I let three weeks go by without calling my sister? Three months go by without writing my brother who’s incarcerated? Why not call my parents, who are in their sixties, and let them know I love them on a daily basis? I don’t have to talk for an hour–just two and a half minutes are enough to let them know they’re on my mind.

I can’t just assume my friends from college, who are now 500 to 1,000 miles away, will always be there for me to catch up with “some time.” What’s the big deal with sending an email, or Facebook message? Ok; I know the argument that these modes of communication are impersonal. But at least it’s contact!

Loving people in life is one of the things that make life worth it. And it should not be about waiting for people to love us, forgive us, or reach out to us first. Why can’t we be the first to do it? People talk about “making peace” with a dead loved one–how does a person make peace with the dead? The damage is done and the person is gone. Our peace is made in the land of the living. Forgiveness can’t be given beyond the grave.

Invest the time, the effort, the work that go into maintaining good relationships, improving stagnant relationships and doing your part to reconcile the broken ones. Just do it, because life is too short.

Holder states that our collective cowardice manifests in the arena of race relations, particularly when it comes to dialogue between cultures in America. Perhaps from a generalized point of view that is true. But the apparent difficulty in holding conversations on race does not mean there aren’t citizens brave enough to delve into the dark past, uncover truth, shed light on today, move on and commit to a new, harmonious path of life.

Having lived in five different states, traveled through almost every state, and visited three foreign countries, I’ve found that humans share similar basic desires, needs, challenges and apprehensions. On the first day of a mission trip to an orphanage for girls in Chiang Rai, Thailand, our group met the staff at the home. Most of the young staffers spoke in the mountain tribal dialect called Akha, which is also the name of the tribe’s people. One of the young men pointed at me and said something, while laughing a little bit. I asked a young lady who spoke English what he’d said. “She is like us; she is the same color as us,” he was saying. I am a darker-skinned black woman; the Akha tend to be dark-skinned (though really not as dark as me) and are often the targets of discrimination, most notably in the job market.

They are regarded as uneducated, unattractive, and second-class. The Thai government doesn’t even keep track of the births of the Akha, and many of the girls at the home aren’t sure of their ages. In many more places around the world than Chiang Rai, the struggle of groups of people to achieve equality is an active and common one.

There will not be some moment in the history that is still yet to be written that we’re going to say, “Yep – that’s the day it happened. We achieved racial reconciliation and an end to institutional and social racism on Nov. 10, 2032.” This talk of whole groups of people changing their hearts, their minds, their behaviors – that’s just too big. Rather, it’s up to us to decide how we will live, relate and love.

I moved to Central Florida almost 10 years ago and stepped into a job working with many whites who characterized themselves as “rednecks, crackers and cowboys.” For me, this is what one would call “culture shock.”

There were people driving up to my meetings and workshops with big pickup trucks and Confederate flags (which I had long regarded as a hate symbol) on the front bumper, back window and hanging from the rearview.

I had to take a deep breath, literally and spiritually. I decided then that I could not afford to assume that others were going to dislike me, disrespect me, or mistreat me because I was black and an outsider. I decided instead to repeat my social mantra – “take each person as he or she comes” – with no expectations, no judgments, no fears.

There have been challenges, as is always the case when working with people. Have I been treated unfairly? Perhaps, but I believe my attitude was the factor that led to my success. My worth, my success and my life mission don’t depend on what other people say, or how they think. The limit to what I can do is set only by how much I allow fear to have a place in my life.

There are tools for individuals and groups to use as resources. For example, my first real, open “conversation” happened in the context of a Study Circles Resource Center series with my AmeriCorps Public Allies service group in Wilmington, Del., in the late 1990s. The name of the group has changed from Study Circles to Everyday Democracy, but this organization continues to supply any willing group with the training and framework necessary to discuss the hard issues in a community, with the ultimate goal of positive change through the work of “diverse coalitions.”

We talked, shared and had lively disagreements within our Ally group and even with the volunteer facilitators. We continued these conversations outside the Study Circles context, and included discussions on religion and sexual orientation.

I believe we each walked away with greater respect for one another, and a newfound appreciation of the depth of each individual’s life experience.

Attorney General Holder must do his job, no doubt. But it’s up to everyday people to guard our own hearts, live honestly, and speak out peacefully, yet strongly, when racism rears its antiquated head.

Published in print by The Ledger, a New York Times Company, on May 1, 2009 at http://www.theledger.com/article/20090501/COLUMNISTS/905015004/1382/EDIT?Title=Conversations-on-Race-Go-Ahead

Vin was on the Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago, (check out http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/video/clips/vin-diesel-033009/1076924/ for the clip) and Jay asked him about his new little baby, born to his very pretty girlfriend. In fact, Vin said she was not just pretty, but a “wonderful woman.”

“So, are you getting married?” Jay asked, innocently.

I hadn’t seen such ducking and dodging outside of politics in a while! I think I saw sweat forming like droplets of blood on Vin’s fine face. “What, man, who you working for–my parents?” Vin jokingly asked.

And Jay wouldn’t let it go. He asked a couple more times–why wouldn’t Vin marry this “pretty, wonderful” woman who gave birth to his healthy baby girl?

Vin said something like “Can I just have some time to acclimate . . .” and didn’t get to finish the sentence, because Jay commented “what, you need to get to know each other better? You weren’t shy when you were doing it!”

Well, let’s not be too hard on Vin. Or his pretty baby mama. They’re just doing what so many people say comes natural, and the natural result is a baby.

Around the time I saw this story first on AOL.com (I promise that’s not my sole source of  “news”), I heard about  the latest study regarding American births to unmarried women. Forty percent (40%) of all births now are out-of-wedlock. And in some societal groups (blacks), the reports have been as high as almost 80% . What are the pros and cons of this reality? How are our lives as women affected? Our children’s lives? The baby daddies’ lives? Is there any effect? (Findings of the National Center for Health Statistics study, as reported by CNN.com, are at http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/04/08/out.of.wedlock.births/index.html?iref=nextin. Primary source information at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr57/nvsr57_12.pdf, page three).

I can only speak for me. There are no more precious gifts I have to give to the man I love than my body and soul. And when can he have access to those? When he says, “it’s you and me, Love–for life!”(and then he recites the public vows, of course).

I think women make it too easy on men–even generally good men–when we give them so much of ourselves with no promise of commitment. Whether it’s cleaning his house, sharing his bed, giving him money, or encouraging him to fulfill his dreams (and even assisting him to get there), a man who has not had to give up anything to get all of that from you is unlikely to feel compelled to ever make a firm, lifelong commitment. Why should he bother?

I don’t have anything against Diesel or his beautiful girlfriend, and I’m not passing judgment on them. I just am a bit sad for a precious young life born out of the pleasure two people got from being physically intimate with one another, but two people who couldn’t say, without reservation, “I love you so much, I don’t want anyone else. And I want our child to know how strong her parents’ love for one another is, so she’ll never doubt that we’ll both always be there for her–together.”

Now that’s beautiful.

The gallery continues with “rules” such as how a man should touch or stroke his chin–the beard area–as an indication of manliness and evidence of testosterone’s presence. LOL! In case the deep voice doesn’t convince her he’s all man . . .

Then there are the recommendations for approaching two women at once. Zero in first on the woman you’re NOT interested in–then say “oh, I’m forgetting you,” to the woman you ARE interested in, and make the mac daddy moves from there. Or, have a “wingman” to distract the undesired woman so you can focus on your dreamboat. I’m like, “For real?”

I guess this stuff bothers me so much because it’s so superficial, so very shallow. We have enough resources allowing us to keep our relationships with people from going deeper–a blog is one of them. Twittering, emailing–we use all these tools to communicate, but they don’t facilitate making real connections with people. And here, at a bar (though not my location of choice) is a man’s and woman’s chance to connect with someone who could be like-minded, and we’re concerned about sending signals of true manliness and ignoring the woman who is not as pretty as her friend.

There are at least 10 potential offshoot discussions from this, but I at least want to say to my fellow singles that if they are really interested in connecting with people who can be potential lifetime partners, this kind of advice (the AOL personals advice, that is) is not for them. It focuses mostly on getting physically close to a stranger with the potential for acquiring a bedmate for the night–well, maybe even for a few weeks. And it won’t be long before a follower of this advice returns to square one, because it turns out the couple have nothing in common besides free flowing hormonal juices.

Surely more is meant for human relationships than this.

So, here’s the deal at Books-A-Million (B.A.M.)  in Lakeland, FL today: I chose to focus first on one section of the magazine “rack.” On my way there I decided to walk the “Teen Fiction” aisle. Something caught my eye. I pulled the book off the shelf and the very bare, very muscular chest of a tanned brunette said, “Hello.” Oh my Lord, were my thoughts. The title? “Sexy Beast.” And with a scan of the back cover I said, “Aw, heck no–this is NOT teen fiction” and put it on some other random shelf. I’ve definitely been leading a sheltered life lately.

Anyway, back to the magazines. Since that rack seemed about 100 yards long I concentrated on the west section of the rack, the “Home” section. 

I’m a still fairly new owner of an 81-year-old Florida bungalow, and I hone in on any reading material featuring home restoration, upkeep, and decorating with character in mind. Mag pick of the day: “Style 1900–Antiques and Interiors.”  Using the Cold Stone Creamery scale, I ”Loved It.” There was a fabulous feature on bungalow bathrooms. In the early 1900′s in-house commodes were called “bath-room closets,” and the social taboo was to have a loud one, particularly while entertaining guests. We think quiet vacuums and dishwashers are the thing–back then, a quiet john was the sign of a sophisticate.

Then I did a walk-around until I found the section that I thought would have books for writers. I passed by the bestsellers and discover “The Watchmen” is the big hit. I then passed the Obama section of literature. I’m guessing many of the major bookstores now have such a section.

I finally found “Language Arts,” which is the section with the writing books in this particular store. It was across from “Computers,” which was the messiest section I saw ( I guess it’s a computer geek thing to be smart and messy). And it was next to the atlases, which I think are the most beautiful books. The slightly nerdy side of me loves looking at pictures of land and countries, and the night sky.

Back from that digression to Language Arts. There are two picks of the day: ”The Huffington Post Complete Guide  to Blogging;” and “88 Money-Making Writing Jobs.” Since I didn’t have time to read these standing in the store, I’ll give them both one ”Like It” each. I’m a new blogger and surely need the guidance of successful venturers. And if I wanted to write and not get paid I wouldn’t bother freelancing, so 88 ways to earn funds sounds really good!

Finally, the surprise of the day: while reading the free book review magazine I picked up at B.A.M., I found out that radio talk show host Chris Fabry has already gotten rave reviews on his debut fiction work, to be released in August 2009, called “June Bug.” I may have to preorder that one.

I’d have enjoyed more time in the bookstore but my back was (and still is) sore from 5 1/2 hours of raking, sweeping, and weed-pulling!

In April, I’m shooting for a Barnes and Noble trip, all the way on the other side of town. Happy Reading!